a sigh,

A sigh,

is like a gentle wave,

on an ocean breeze;

soft release - relief

Freedom like an

open field of

pure green

whimsicality...

but insecurities come over me,

like a chain,

hard iron, rusting, thrusting

bruising me into shame,

I do not dare to claim

Forgiveness

when I cannot endure the pain, and more than always give in...

crushed under pressure, intolerable,

running out of options,

how do i even begin to call on You

when my heart is filled with bitterness and hate

questioning my state of unworthiness,

I have nothing left,

no patience, no space, no breath...

I've come to the pinnacle of depression,

where does it go from here?

release me.

PostDramatic Theatuhh

Waddup Gangsters?

This blog is not active enough & my fingers be itching to type... I can't believe there's a few more weeks left of school and then 3rd year is OVER.

Snap.

I honestly wouldn't mind NOT ending "early" if all my exams were spaced out :( As of now, I have two on the SAME DAY & it's pretty sucky. *Deep Sigh*

I'm really worried about one essay on the Post Dramatic Theater because it's pretty freaking complicated shtuff.

Hans-Thies Lehmann's book is just too long to read in a day :( What am I going to do?!

quoi de neufs

I freaking love all of my professors.  I'm just sad I'm not giving them the quality work I know I can do and that would make them happy.

I also practised my Deutsch today & it felt so good.  I don't want to forget any languages I know :( It's honestly such a different experience than just one.  My goal is to brush up on my German, and keep practising francais. I hope the lessons I teach will help me along.

lya bocoup dchoses q m'agacr maintnt. lya quelqn quest tres irritant, et jpens la, j men fou plus! vraiment la. si jsuis heureuse, donc, jsuis heureuse. jcomprends pas la raison d'autres ne veux pas ca. jcomprends pas d tout. et aussi, cest quelqn quia dit avant, quilnaimes pas quand d'autres ne sensib pas a ses sentimnts, et maintnt? c'est pas ca. donc, j men fou :) haha. et aussi, jecris com ca, parceque jsais quil veux lire ca aussi, ou il veux aller a sn amie quiest la plus folle aussi,et ensemble, ils veul lire et decoder et je vais rire boooooocoup. parceque, je de perdre votre temps! MWAHAHHHAHAHAHa ! :)

:)

Sometimes I find myself in all this stress, yet mindlessly clicking away on random articles (okay NBA articles) or youtube videos...& I realize, what am I doing to help myself? Nothing. Causing myself more stress by procrastinating.

& then I realize that I haven't prayed in a while...

but when I do, it's the most rewarding, most de-stressing thing EVER & I wonder why I don't do it often enough in the first place.

I've been learning everyday about the meaning of GRACE because I know that I really DON'T deserve God's love & forgiveness, & YET,

He gives it to me anyway.

& I'm glad.

I don't know where I'd be without Him.

humility repentance change.

A friend of mine had a testimony that made me think this weekend.  He was struggling with the assurance of his salvation.
How DO we know that we are saved?  This video really convicted me, because I've been struggling lately.

As sad as it is, it's taken me quite a long time to really really realize what it means to be a Christian.

What it means to surrender everything to God in a daily basis.

To realize how empty life can be without Him.

My mom has often told me how fortunate I am to have grown up in a Christian home, to have always been surrounded with the love of God, and this is true.

Yet, I've also had to learn my lessons the hard and painful way.

Just being apart from God, and letting sin encroach our sweet fellowship and being too busy or prideful or OBLIVIOUS to repent from it,

because maybe it isn't sin.

I've been so hungry for the truth.

And I'm so grateful for the people who have blatantly given it to me.

I love my parents who can be rough with their words but are always honest,

and my sister who is passionate about her convictions.

I know I have a lot of pride, and it takes me a long time to admit when I am wrong.

I am just grateful for repentance, and for GOd's grace that always abounds when I seek forgiveness.

At the end of the day, we can try to convince ourselves, and feel good about ourselves because we are so intellectual about religion and all the theories about it, or that we are so embracing of everyone and we get high off of this self-made self-justified concept that we are better than others, either because we go to Bible College or because our love for others are so radically unhindered.... but at the end of the day, it really comes down to this: DO you desire the things of God or not?

Do you have a spirit of repentance?

When you are convicted of sin in your life, do you try to defend it or do you repent?

I have been struggling with this myself, and I've realized the importance of being truly honest with God and being humble.

I'm tired of intellectual debates.

I'm hungry for sincerity.

As cliché as they are with the hype around them, the people who have really inspired me other than those in my Church and my family are Tim Tebow, Jeremy Lin, and Jefferson Bethke.  Why? Look at their lifestyles. Look at their humility.  If you truly love God, and if you truly love people that you want to impact change in their lives,

where's the change in yours?

are you a positive influence in others around you?

do you inspire them to live for God?